I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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