Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
