I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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