Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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