he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
