i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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