Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
