God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
