that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize