So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
