I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
