The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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