Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize