I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
