Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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