: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
