I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
