bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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