I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
