hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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