Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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