It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
