I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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