You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I think your dad took our porno
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize