the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
