I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
