In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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