I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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