Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize