Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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