I cut my penus on the lid.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
