I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
