Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
