Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
