eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
