Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
