she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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