I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
