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• (817): View more from Texas

  It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.

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• (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.

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• (586): View more from Michigan

  hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink

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• (203): View more from Connecticut

  I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too

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• (614): View more from Ohio

  It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming

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• (925): View more from California

  Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?

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• (205): View more from Alabama

  Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?

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• (406): View more from Montana

  He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.

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• (518): View more from New York

  Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.

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• (603): View more from New Hampshire

  i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level

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• (507): View more from Minnesota

  THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED

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• (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.

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• (502): View more from Kentucky

  I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.

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• (705): View more from Ontario

  I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.

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• (905): View more from Ontario

  How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?

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