i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
