Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
