Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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