I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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