new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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