its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
