The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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