they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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