Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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