Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
