I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
