I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize