The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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