The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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