Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
