'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
