my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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