Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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